Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Grinch

Yeah, I'm a Grinch. I admit it. And as soon as the tree/decorations/Taj Mahal decor comes down, I'll stop fuming --- until next Labor Day when Christmas starts all over again.

1. I can't stand having schedules imposed on me. I should be merry now? Not later? Not next week? Has to be right now? How about now?

2. I want everything to stay open all the time: like Vegas.

3. I remember when I was poor and how Christmas ground me down. "Honey, what can we charge with the maxed-out Shell card we got through borderline fraud? You think your mother would like the gift of 30 weight? Can we charge lottery tickets? Oh, look, honey, peach-scented candles at the Citgo are 3 for a dollar!"

4. The awful music. "Have yourseeeeelf aaaaa merry little Christmaaaaaaa--" BANG! There's your merry little Christmas you mooing, moaning, vowel-extending hambone. And I got one for you, too, Little Drummer Boy. Rum pum pum BANG! Hey, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Venison. BANG!

5. It's an entire season (money version) designed to rip us all off; buying things for people we don't like; with money we don't have; & making us feel guilty if didn't give away our future retirement checks.

6. It's an entire season (family version) centering on "being together." Oh, boy. What fun. Like I enjoy hearing Uncle Billy's story 40 years ago when he shot the poor neighbor kid who only wanted to borrow (i.e., steal) his new pellet rifle. Or the story about Aunt Shirley who didn't listen to the adults, ate too fast, got some food caught in her throat, & nearly died. Inspiring stories, I tell ya!

7. It's an awful lot of kid time. Plus, you have to be nice to them. And then you finally do lose it, and start chasing them around the house brandishing an empty Scotch bottle and screaming: "Dang it! If you kids don't give me some peace I'm gonna give all your presents to poor people!" Well, not really "yelling." But I do yell at the dog --- & I would like to give its toys away. I'd like to give the dog away too, but no one would take a fat beagle that sleeps all day.

What? That's just my family?

8. Watching the news reports about the crowded malls. Here's my news flash: Dollar General & the Citgo gas station have everything I need, at better prices, & I can be done with it all in an hour. After season sales are even better.

9. Reruns. Just when I really need them, my TV friends go away. In their place we get Christmas Specials that were crap thirty years ago too. We all know that Charlie Brown ended up an urban-outdoorsman (e.g., homeless) 15 years ago after the break-up of his disastrous marriage to Lucy, which was followed by a decade-long descent into depression and oxycontin addiction. So making us watch him with his little Christmas tree is just cruel.

10. And of course, shopping. Long, long ago I proposed a simple solution to my friends and family: everyone writes everyone else a check for $25 bucks. It all evens out: no winners; no losers. The whole thing is over in five minutes and we're not all stuck buying a bunch of useless crap no one wants, or receiving a bunch of useless crap ourselves. Over time we would reduce the size of the checks, finally eliminating them altogether and contenting ourselves with a simple "Merry Christmas." This, over time would be reduced to, "Yo!" and our long national nightmare would be over.

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