Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving Eve Job Description

I've had this same job for -- oh, I dunno -- 30 years. It's a very simple job but I've discovered it's vitally important if I'm to live the remainder of the holiday season.
1. Keep the glasses full. Usually it is my wide and daughter cooking and doing all sorts of other things in the house, but for me the Prime Directive is to keep those glasses full. There may be another 2 or 3 or 10 people show up on T-Day Eve for God knows whatever reason, but if I do this job right, the rest of my job description is much easier to accomplish and I will get rave reviews.
2. Run to the grocery store for whatever items left off the list. I may make 2 or 3 runs to Publix over a 3 hour period but I will have to go. Never mind what I have to get wasn't on the list the first (or second or third) time:
I'm still the Dumb Arse and should have known better.
3. Wash dirty dishes. It keeps the clutter and tempers at a minimum, and those dishes will be used several times over the cooking portion of the evening. The dishwasher and my hand washing will be a priority.
4. Make sure those glasses stay full. If you want to live, Ryan, keep those glasses full.
5. Wash clothes. You would be surprised how many dishcloths, towels, pants, shirts, more dishcloths, etc., get soiled. Wash 'em. Dry 'em. Return to kitchen. Repeat.
6. Answer questions. "Do you think I can substitute skim milk for whole?" "Could I use margarine instead of butter?" "Would 1 1/2 cups of sugar be enough?" "Should I add more salt?" I was Google before Al Gore invented the internet and still am.
7. Take a cussing. If it isn't right, I take the cussing. If it doesn't taste right, my fault. If it falls, I failed. If it needs more seasoning, I didn't issue the All Points Bulletin. If I do job #1 well enough and keep those glasses full, I can mitigate this from impacting my performance review.
8. Keep the music on. Although not officially listed as part of my job function, I've found the "Soft Rock Hits from the 70s" or "Sounds of the Seasons" will calm a lot of nerves and minimize the cussing.
9. Keep the glasses full. It's worth repeating.
10. Make sure the finished dishes are promptly covered/sealed and put in the fridge. If the main fridge is full (always is after just 10 minutes of an oven on 350 degrees), I must maintain operation and oversee transport of completed dishes to Fridge #2, the Beer Fridge, or establish a confiscation procedure of a neighbor's unused portion of their fridge. Very important. Food. Stored. Ready for use the next day.
11. Keep note of the time when something enters the oven. Never fails: a dish goes in but someone forgets the time when the oven door closed. My task is to make a mental note and recall the answer when I hear, "When did I put this in?" or "How long was this supposed to cook?" My ability to keep the time stamp will save the day.
Tonight: Glasses full at all times and I get an "Outstanding" regardless of the other appraisal failures. The cussings weren't as severe either.
My resume is expanding.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Lament This November, 2016

Fear. Loss. Mourning. Bulls of Bashan all around, snarling. 
Knowledge is covered and afraid to even whisper. Worry. Concern for my neighbor trampled by the Pharisee.
No longer even my brother's keeper but my weaker brother's master, if he cannot defend nor speak. 
The cheated laborer cries out only to be told the owner who withheld wages is now the ruler; stolen wages become pocket change for the rich. 
Time and name are the only things left for the forgotten when even dignity is taken. 
Careful, beautiful and good plans destroyed by vandals.
They know not what they do.